My name is Brendan Udeme. I am 21. I see myself as I nonentity because I failed everyone who believed in me. I failed my mother, my father, my siblings, my teachers, my priests; I failed all of them. I write this from the hospital bed where everyone else has abandoned me to die the death I chose for myself. I regret every single act of mine that got me confined to this dungeon. I hate myself, I am useless to human race; I weep, I wish I could be given a second chance. I am truly sorry for myself for choosing this abominable path. I had all I needed in life, but greed, laziness, lack of focus, lack of inspiration, impatience, took them all from me. Now I’m left with the broken pieces of myself. Will I see the breaking of the next day? Will I be given one more chance? Will I get a life again? All of these rhetorics flash in my head, yet I know I can’t have my cake and eat it.
I was born into a rich home. My father was a business tycoon; he owned many properties in the southern and eastern part of Nigeria. My mum was a wonderful woman, but I killed her… sobbing…I killed her with a double-edged sword, the sword I buried in her loving soul and got it butchered without an iota of remorse. I have two younger siblings. All of them ran away from me because of the trauma I brought into my peaceful home. My father couldn’t bear my presumption anymore, so he threatened to disown me. But I made him change his mind after I threatened to murder him in cold blood. I did a lot of abominable things, my father got me bailed from jail numerous times, but the one that got me in this helpless state, I’m going to share with you young girls and boys so you can learn from my mistakes.
At 16, I was already in SS3 about to sit for the West African Senior Certificate Examination. I attended one of the most expensive high schools in Bayelsa. It’s a great school. Many great men and women have been produced by this school. My father enrolled me there not because he could afford it but because he wanted the best for me. In my class was this young girl, Anna. She’s currently in her finals in Anambra State University. I began crushing on her after she won an inter-school essay competition. When I approached her, she turned my offer down. My likeness for her continued to grow stronger until it ate the better part of me. One day, I met her on the street walking home, and after watching her sexiness in casual wears, I swore to make her mine at all cost. That was the beginning of my destruction.
I’m not the talkative type. I didn’t know how best to woo a lady, so, I resorted to mingling with certain boys in my street. Luckily for me, on a Saturday evening, my mum and dad weren’t back from the wedding they attended as early as expected, so I had the time to visit this street boy. Weeks after weeks, I kept paying him visits, and finally, I got what I wanted from him. He gave me tutorials on wooing a lady. I became his good friend, though I didn’t let my parents suspect I was close to him because they would object to that. One of the things I needed to have to help me woo any lady of my choice was confidence, but I lacked it. My friend in a bid to help me get Ann, taught me how to take drugs. Doing it once felt really cool, so, I continued. “I love the fact that I was growing into a big boy”, I always told myself. With time, I lost interest in Anna. I got used to the street boys I mingled with to the extent that I began developing interest in them.
The devil knows how best to destroy a promising child. Within the space of 8 months, everything about me started to change gradually. The next year, I gained admission into the university, at last, I gained freedom. Since I had become emotionally attached to Solomon, I paid him visits often. He equally reciprocated. Our friendship grew stronger as we satisfied each other’s sexual urge. With time, I became too demanding. Solomon had a group who were involved in cultism and also slept with wealthy men for money, and since my boyfriend was always demanding for money and I enjoyed his companionship, I was ever ready to give him. My parents began to wonder what I used all the money for and with time, my father attempted to stop giving me as I demanded, but I wouldn’t let him.
“Brendan, what do you need that huge sum for?”. “I’m not going to give you that amount this time”, my father yelled. “If you don’t give it to me, I’ll break the bank and get it, and you can’t stop me”. My overwhelmed father stood almost lifeless, staring at me while I walked out on him. That was the first time I confronted my father in my whole life. That night, he sent my younger brother to call me to his room, but I wasn’t in my room. They later found me sitting by the gate with the smell of Indian hemp all over me. Then, everyone realized something new about me. My father couldn’t talk to me that night seeing my utter indisposition as my eyes were smoky red. I didn’t even bother about their feelings. All I did was to get up and went upstairs and into my room. The next day, around 3am, my mum came to my room, woke me up and began to ask questions which I was never going to give answers to because I took an oath never to disclose them. All her effort to make me open up was futile.
A week later, I joined my friends in a kidnap attack. It was the home of the Chief Medical Director of Niger Foundation, Abuja. We were to rob him first to get enough money for ourselves, then finally kidnap him as ordered by our boss. We did the work perfectly; he paid the demanded random, which made our boss pay us hugely for work well done. I partook in many other robbery and kidnap attacks which put me in jail severally, but my father always jailed me, hoping that I would repent.
Four years after my admission into the university, I came home with no intention of going back. I wouldn’t talk to anyone about my rustication. I became everyone’s nightmare. All I was doing then was sleep, eat, smoke and fight everybody in the house, and when there was no money anymore for me to smoke, I went about stealing from everyone. I was good at programming, so I would steal my family’s debit cards and withdraw almost all their savings; I was terrible indeed. It got to a state that my siblings ran away from home just because of me. What led to this was my disappointing attack on my brother. That night, I barged into his room threatening that I would rape him if he refused to give me his ATM immediately. Still in surprise as he couldn’t understand what I meant, he ignored me. I had smoked that night and was ready to kill. I grabbed him off the bed, pushed him to the wall, and when I was about dragging his shorts down, my father who had had the noise came in and intervened. It was a horrible scene. I fought my dad, with all my strength, my mother came in from her room with my youngest brother calling my name, all I could do was push the poor woman to the wall, and the next thing that happened; she hit her forehead on the TV set which broke into pieces, she fell and passed out. I didn’t realize what I did until the next morning.
My father realized I had become a mental case, so forced me to the psychiatry with the help of my brothers. It was indeed a very bad moment for my once happy and peaceful home. But when my father thought it was over, I became terribly sick and was diagnosed with anal cancer.
The questions I ask myself as I sob are: Why didn’t I focus on my life goal of becoming an ICT guru? Why did I let an abominable pleasure steal me away from my promising self? Why did I take to smoking? What value did it add to me? Will my mother ever forgive me even when I die? Of what use am I? I regret every bit of my actions. Dear young ladies, young men, adolescents, I beseech you to learn from my heartbreaking story. Your destiny is in your hands; be careful not to open your hands to the devil.